I don't know where to start, so I will just start typing. Thursday before my life changed forever I was going on my routine walk with one of my best friends Andrea Jeppesen. We had the same due date, and were so excited to be on this journey together. Every Tuesday and Thursday we would go walk in the rec center gym while the children played. When it got warmer we moved our walks to the high school track. It was a great time to let the kids play, get some exercise in, and compare our pregnancies. Andrea was so great to go walking with. On this particular Thursday she told me she was going to go in and get her group B test. I had totally forgot they did that, and had been procrastinating my next appointment. She informed me her husband (who is a doctor), likes to do the test about 35 weeks, which was exactly where we were that day. I went home to make the appointment with Michelle. Amazingly, Michelle had an opening the next morning (seriously amazing, she is usually at least one, more like two weeks out). I went to my appointment and felt great. I was measuring small by about 3 cm. I had measured about 1 cm. small the whole pregnancy, but Michelle was concerned because even though I grew a little, it wasn’t consistent. I wasn’t worried at all, I thought maybe my due date was off, which really had nothing to do with my measurements being inconsistent. Then she checked the heartbeat. I look back on this moment over, and over and think, ‘Why was I not worried?’ He had a heart beat, but it wasn’t super fast. She looked a little worried, then Michelle pushed on him a little and he moved, and the heart beat went up. Then after a little bit it went down again. She said that he responds well to being bugged, and then he calmed right back down, and that I would probably have a really calm baby. She wanted me to get an ultrasound, so she was very adamant that I get one as soon as the ultrasound tech came. I honestly can’t believe I wasn’t more stressed. All the signs were there. I keep picturing Michelle’s face and she was worried, and wanted an ultrasound. Why was I not worried? I am thankful I don’t even know where to start. I think I will start with one of the many tender mercies of God. The I got the appointment, and that he had a heartbeat. I don’t know if I would have forgave myself if I would have put off having the appointment till the next week.
The next evening (Saturday) was the adult session for Stake Conference. The topic was trials. We both were thinking that we haven’t had any real trials, and we had an uneasy feeling that something was going to happen. Then Monday, it was Andrea’s birthday, and she called and invited us over for cake. It was kind of weird when she called us, it was FHE night, we already had a desert, but I told the kids not to say anything, and to just be polite, also she called kind of later in the day. When we showed up Andrea seemed extremely tired, and poor Kelly was everywhere dealing with kids. I would not say we didn’t feel welcome, because we did, but it just seemed like it wasn’t the best night for them. Later I found out that Andrea felt prompted to have us over, she is such a good person to follow those promptings. While there we talked about the adult session, and then Andrea brought up a talk by Elder Bednar on trials, we needed to know about this talk. James looked it up when we got home. I didn’t watch it and I don’t know how much of it he watched. I asked Kelly about ultrasounds, and if he did them every appointment. I told him about my last appointment and that I was scheduled to get one on Thursday. He, or Andrea I don’t remember, offered to go give me one. I told him that I wasn’t really worried (again why wasn’t I more worried?) and that I would wait. I didn’t want to do that so late on his wife’s birthday. I really wish I would have taken him up on it, but I don’t think I was supposed to, but it is still so hard to think I might have saved Javin if I would have.
The next day (Tuesday) James and I decided we needed to pray about what to do with our house. We had been praying, but at conference President Redd talked about getting answers, and making a decisions first and then praying. We had been just doing a general prayer that, “we would do the right thing.” After discussing it and praying, we never really got an answer (at that time), we just felt uneasy. James said he felt like we had a big trial coming our way, and that he felt like it had to do with one of our kids. I got upset and told him to not say that. It was a horrible thing to say that, as if not saying it would make it not happen. I felt like what he was saying was true but I didn’t realize it was going to be Javin. I felt very uneasy and James asked me if I wanted a blessing, I told him no, because I didn't want whatever was going to happen to happen (once again, like that was going to stop it). I wish so bad I would have taken that blessing and heard what Heavenly Father needed me to hear before this trial. That night while I was watching television I felt Javin in my ribs… I thought. Dr. Jones said when he saw him that he might have been dead a little longer than we thought. But I am pretty certain I was feeling him that night, the last I can remember. I think he died that night. I didn't know he was dead that day, because I was having little contraction and I thought I could feel him moving.
Wednesday the 1st of May, which for the record I always loved. I love the first of May, it is great weather, the kids have school programs, field trips, and parties. It means summer is so close, and I was finally in the month I was going to have my little guy. Also a bonus for this day was that I was going to have a ultrasound and see my little Javin. I forgot to mention that the Clinic had called and moved my Ultrasound appointment to Wednesday, because the clinic was going to be closed on Thursday for cleaning (another tender mercy). James had asked me if I needed him to take work off. I told him he didn’t have to if he couldn’t. I said I wasn’t really worried, but he might want to be there just incase, plus it is fun to see the baby. He ended up taking a half day off so that we could, look at cabinets at Taylor Palmers’, and then go look at Stephani Ivin’s house after the ultrasound. I am so grateful he took the time off and was there. It was a typical Wednesday. I cleaned the house, got all caught up on laundry, went to the store, (so happy I got all of this done) and then to the library, where I talked to Nicole Perkin’s and told her I wasn’t worried even after my appointment. James came home and we had lunch, then took Ethan and Chloe with us to look at cabinets, and we decided to take them with us to see Javin, we thought it would be fun for them. On our way to Taylor’s shop we drove by the cemetery. While looking at it I noticed it didn’t have a ton of room, and I said to James, “Have you ever looked at the cemetery and thought they aren’t going to have room for you.” We laughed a little about it, not knowing that 2 days later we would be picking out and buying Javin’s and our plots. We had a nice visit with Taylor, where I informed him that we had a ultra sound appointment we had to get to. He asked if everything was ok, and once again I said I was measuring small, but everything was fine, and they will probably just change my due date. We got to the appointment and were waiting in the lobby when one of the nurses that is our friend saw us and we visited for a bit. She asked how the pregnancy was going, I told her it was fine, and about the last appointment, but said I really wasn’t worried (can you tell I was oblivious to what had happened).
We finally got in to the ultrasound. We all got in our places and they began. The tech asked me a little about my last appointment, I explained what Michelle had told me, to help clarify her notes. She told me right off that he was breach, then after a very short time of doing the ultrasound she asked her assistant if Michelle was there. I thought maybe to help clarify some more, or because he was breach. She said no. She asked me if this was my third baby, because Ethan and Chloe were there, I told her he was my fifth. Then she asked what Dr. was working, they said Dr. Jones, then they both left for a moment. The assistant came in and asked if we were ok with her taking the kids. I was getting more and more worried, I knew by now she wasn’t trying to clarify notes, but I still didn’t think he wasn’t alive. Then the tech came in and told James that Dr. Jones wanted to talk with him. She sat down, and I was trying to think what it could be, I was sick, I think I knew what was wrong, but I didn’t want to believe it. It was just me and the tech, and she sat down and started doing the ultrasound again. I was watching the monitor looking for a heartbeat. I saw some lines that looked like it could be the heartbeat and asked her, “Is that the heartbeat?” She looked at me weird and said, “what”, I pointed to the lines and asked if that was the heartbeat. She told me no, that she is just looking at the cord. That is when I knew. I didn’t want to know, but I knew. My heart sunk. Just seconds after James came in with Dr. Jones. I don’t even know how to describe James’ face, so sad, and worried. Dr. Jones confirmed what I knew, the baby didn’t have a heartbeat. My heart sunk lower. I was in shock. How could this happen? This doesn’t happen to me. I always have wonderful pregnancies, with healthy babies. I can’t describe how I felt. I kept breathing and saying, “It’s ok, it’s ok, it’s ok.“ trying to keep it together. I knew it wasn’t ok, but I just kept saying it. Dr. Jones gave up his office for us. I hated walking past everyone, they all knew, and looked so upset. While in there Christian Singer told be they called Michelle and she was at recapture on her way home from a trip, and was going to come right in. They asked me if I wanted them to call someone to come get Chloe and Ethan, I told them we would call my mom, and Candace. I called my mom. I was sad, but it seemed so unreal, then I started to tell my mom on the phone it became so real. I asked her to come get Chloe and Ethan. Then we called Candace to get Bryant and Conner who had walked home from school. James took the phone to call because I had such a hard time talking to my mom. He told Candace and just broke down. Saying your baby died out loud is so hard. Michelle came in and hugged me while we cried together, then after hugging James she went out to talk to Dr. Jones. My mom and Candace came in. We cried as we held each other. When Michelle came back in, I told her I didn’t know what to do. What do you do? Dr. Jones said I could go up to Payson and have a v-back I had planned to have, because when you deliver a breach baby they are more worried about the baby, or I could have a c-section. I talked to Michelle about what I should do and she recommended the c-section. I didn’t want to travel and be away from my other kids. She also said it would be really hard to put my body through labor and wait that long. I’m glad I did the c-section because little Javin’s skin was so delicate I don’t know if labor would have been good for him. Once I decided they made the appointment for the next morning. We were to be there at 5:00 a.m.
We went home to get our kids and tell them. I just wanted to be with them and hold them, but I hated having to tell them. We got them from my mom’s. Brought them home, sat them all on the couch and told them that Javin had died, and he was with Jesus now. We told them that we would get to be with him someday because we are sealed, and we are an eternal family, but we will have to wait. Bryant took it the hardest. Conner seemed quiet and cried just a little. Ethan and Chloe were sad, Chloe cried. I don’t remember everything that was said, but I remember holding them and kissing them, and telling them that Javin is with Jesus. We then fed them, and I don’t remember when my mom came and got them to take them back up to her house. Some of these moments are a blur to me, and I don’t know when certain things happened. I called my best friend Brooke. I knew that she had done pictures for people who had stillborn babies, and I new I wanted her there to take the picture of Javin. Brooke was/is amazing. When I told her she came as soon as she could. She dropped her kids off at her moms’ and on the way down to my house she saw President Redd and told him what happened. He had just gotten off work, but he came right over with Brooke to see us. Brooke and I hugged and cried forever. Then President Redd gave James and me each a priesthood blessing. I don’t remember everything he said in it , but he did say, that I wasn’t suppose to question it, there was nothing I could have done, and that this was “God’s will.” It was a beautiful blessing, and it confirmed that we would be with Javin again. He also blessed that the surgery would go well, and that I would make a quick recovery. I wish we could have had recordings of all the blessings. Brooke left and while she was gone she contacted Wendy Crane who is a member of “Now I Lay Thee Down to Sleep” it is a wonderful program which helps people who have had stillborn babies with what they need to know (you never plan what to do when you aren’t brining home your baby), she also helps with keep sakes, and burial clothing, which we didn’t need because my sister-in-law Jami bought the perfect little outfit and overnighter it to us. Marisa came over to give me my hospital band so that I could get checked in quickly. Then the Bishopric came. Dave and Candace came to see us. Then Brooke came back with Kristin Black and they hugged me, cleaned my house and talked with me. So many friends who came to support us.
This is what I wrote a week after. Today it has been one week. At 7:27 am Javin was born. How can a week feel like it is not moving, and go by so quickly? The night before Dr. Jones had given me some valume(?) to help me sleep. I took it. I slept about 1 ½ hours then woke up, wide awake. I took the other pill, slept about 1 ½ hours and then wide awake. I then cried, and came out to the computer to listen to the talk Elder. Bednar gave on trials (Elder David A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles will address young adults around the world in a CES Devotional originating from Dallas-Fort Worth, Texas, on March 3, 2013). When we were done, we went and got ready to go to the hospital. I asked James for a blessing. Oh how I wish I could have recorded that blessing. I do remember that in it he said that Javin has a marvelous work to do, that he couldn’t do on earth. We then grabbed our bag (What do you take for a baby you aren’t bringing home?), and hand in hand went to the hospital. We were to be there at 5:00 a.m. When we got there, we didn’t realize we were suppose to go through the emergency doors (I am sure they told us), so we had to walk all the way around. It was a very bitter, cold morning. When we got in the staff had our paper work ready, and you can tell they had been anticipating our arrival. After papers were filled out they took us back to our room, room 19, for prep. It is always awful getting ready to deliver, but I am usually so excited, prep just means I am that much closer to having my baby. I have horrible veins, and they had to take out the needle and find a different spot. Then they put the catheter in and it was so horribly uncomfortable, it put so much pressure on my bladder that I have never felt before because I usually get the epidural first. Summer Ivins, and Cathy Spillman were my Operating nurses. They were great. The room was so sad, and uncomfortable. I just wanted to leave so bad. Right before the anesthesiologist Rylee Pugh came in I began to feel like I was going to crawl out of my skin. I was claustrophobic, I wanted to scream. Then they said they were finally ready. They wheeled me in on the bed, and then Summer held me while Rylee put my Spinal Block in. I cried in her arms and hated what was going on. They laid me down and I went instantly numb. I began to become so tired. My heart rate dropped (like always), and Rylee kept giving me stuff to help with it (I gave him a heads up). I could feel them tug and pull (just pressure), and then I kept waiting to feel them take little Javin out. It was extremely hard to stay awake, but I fought it hard. I didn’t want to sleep through any of this. Then they told James he could watch, and I could feel a little, them taking him from me. I waited to hear him cry, I had not given up hope, but no cry, nothing. My heart sank, it was done, he was no longer apart of me. They handed him to JoDean Fisher, and she weighed and measured him. He was 4 lbs. 8 oz. and 18 inches long. He was going to be a long good size baby, if only he stayed alive. I remember turning and looking at Javin. I couldn’t see him very well, but then my eyes met JoDean‘s, she looked so sad, and I felt so empty. There was my baby, no excitement, no healthy cry, no Dr. saying that is a good looking baby boy, no sending James over to get a picture of his weight, no joy. Just sadness. When Bryant was born, they gave him to James and sent him outside while I was being stitched up. This time James stood by my side, and they took our beautiful baby to be cleaned and dressed by himself. They were stitching me up and I was trying so hard to stay awake.
They finished and slid me over to the bed and wheeled me back to my room. It felt like an out of body experience. We were in our room waiting, and Dr. Jones came in to say that the C-section went great, that it was the best one he had done (I give that credit to President Redd and his blessing).
After the surgery they brought Javin in to us. I was surprised at his appearance. They said he might have been dead longer than we had thought, and during that time he was loosing fluid, so his features weren’t as I expected, his coloring was different too, and throughout the day became worse. It was hard holding him after the surgery because my arm kept going numb. I wanted to hold him more, but I just couldn’t. James was amazing they whole time, and so sweet and tender with him. there was a constant flow of family and friends. I can’t list everyone that came, we were surrounded with love. Brooke was there as soon as I came out, and started taking pictures which I am so happy I have. It seemed so right to have Brooke, my best friend in the room with us. Then Wendy Crane came with pamphlets, blankets, hats, a book, and my favorite, a necklace for me with charms on it, and a matching heart charm for Javin. She was amazing, and the spirit was so strong in our room. President Redd came to visit us again, and said a prayer which said again that we would get to raise Javin.
As the day progressed we decided about 12:00 we would have Danny come get him. Even though we wanted to have him longer we felt that his coloring was getting worse, and it would be better to preserve his little body. No one could contact Danny, we didn’t know at they time he was gone lion hunting. It was frustrating at the time, but looking back it was a tender mercy. I love napping with my babies, and I was able to do that for just a moment, when I woke I was shocked at how much his coloring had changed. Then late that night a now dear friend Eva who had lost her little baby boy a few years earlier came a very long distance to be with me. She was I think in Phoenix on work, she flew into Albuquerque and then drove 5 hours to see me. She got there pretty late, and was able to hold Javin, and love him. She was amazing. We visited for quite awhile, about what to expect, funeral information, and she helped me through my feelings, we were even able to laugh a some which we needed. While Eva was there Kate and Troy Palmer (who are in our ward, and friends of ours) came in to get Javin. I huged and kissed my sweet baby and handed him over to Kate. It was so hard to let him go, but I knew Kate would love him, and be careful with him, it gave me so much comfort to have her be the one to take him for me.
That night James and I were both so exhausted. I scooted over and James got in my bed and held me all night while we slept. The next morning we were both eager to go home. James went and ran errands, like getting a plot for Javin and us, and meeting with Danny. while my Mom and Brooke took turns staying with me. I was able to go home that afternoon because I was doing so well. It took several trips to get all the flowers and plants in the van (James and friends put them in, not me). The next couple of days we prepared for the funeral. My dear friend Kristin went over to Monticello and with my Mother-in-law, picked out a casket which was handmade be Brad Bunker. He had a little still born, and makes little beautiful caskets to help him grieve. Kristin picked out the most beautiful casket I have ever seen, which was donated to us (so much generosity). We had tons of visitors, people brought meals, money, things for the kids, flowers, or they came with comforting words, and mourned with us. I have never experienced so much love compounded into one moment in time.
James preparing the kids to see their little brother.
The Program for his funeral
James and the boys were Paul Bearers, but I wish we would have put Chloe on the program too. She wanted to help carry the little casket. They were all so wonderful to watch serve their little brother. When we walked out it started to rain. I was not at all upset, it made the burial more intimate and beautiful. At the graveside Brooke had to go back to her car to get a memory card, she said the rain was just over our little group, by the cars it wasn’t raining. Conner somehow got his hands on an umbrella. He went over to the casket and held that umbrella over Javin to protect him from the rain. It was so beautiful watching him stand guard over his little brother. We sang “God Be with You Till We Meet Again”, then James dedicated the grave, I don’t remember anything he said. After the prayer James just held me and I cried, and cried. They lowered Javin down to James and Grant and then it was done. It was hard leaving him there knowing they were going to bury him, but with Brooke and James’ help I was able to go.
Chloe and Ethan painting the dog and train for Javin.
Here is Bryant's Talk for Javin:
If my brother Javin lived, he’d like to do what we like to do; like Oragami, drawing, coloring and exploring. He’d play with us. He’d comfort us and we’d comfort him. He’d be a good friend to every one who needed a friend. He’d bring a friend to church and teach them how to pray. He’d love everyone he met.
And now I want to bare my testimony that Javin is up in heaven. I miss him a whole lot but I know he is safe with our Lord up in heaven. I know that I will get to see him again. In the name of Jesus Christ amen.
Brooke's Talk (I didn't want to type it up, but maybe someday).
After the funeral it was such a relief to be done with so many hard things. James and I went home, and we felt so great, we had perspective we felt strongly about where Javin is and that he was OK, we had just gone through the hardest days of our lives, and we were still standing. We got the kids and let them each pick a flower to take up to Javin, we were going to see Javin’s grave and give him flowers. Like idiots we didn’t explain that Javin would be buried, and that we wouldn’t be actually seeing him. When we got there Chloe ran out of the van so excited to where Javin was buried, she asked where he was and she got mad because someone “put mud on him”. She was crying saying she wanted Javin, as we were trying to explain where he was. It started raining and lightning so we grabbed the kids and ran to the van. Chloe was screaming because we were leaving Javin in the rain. My heart ached listening to her scream for her baby brother. I hurt too, I wanted him too. We stopped the van and I got her and held her. We talked to the kids about Javin being buried and his body being in the casket, but he is with Jesus, and is happy. We got her calmed down, but I think that is when I first realized we weren’t done with the hard stuff. I still don’t know if we will ever be done with it. Some days are fine, and others are so hard. Sometimes the sadness comes out of no where, when you don’t expect it. Sometimes it seems unreal, like it didn’t happen, and sometimes it is too real, and I can have a perfect recollection of the moment we heard we lost him, and everything that followed.
Javin was planned. We had prayed about whether we should have another baby or be done, I got my answer and we had him, we wanted him, we were looking forward to him. I don’t know everything about why he had to die, but I do know that he is perfect. I don’t have to worry about where he is, or where he will end up, he made it. As much as I want him here with us now, I know we will be with our little boy someday.
